Several executives over my career have sat me down, looked me in the eye, and implied I was a naive fool for trusting my employees.
They think I’m a softy. That I’m uncritical. That I don’t know what a great engineer really looks like. That I’m not giving proper motivation.
“You really think they’re working THAT hard?”
“THAT one actually knows what he’s doing?”
“How could their reviews ALL be mostly positive?”
“There’s NOTHING more you could criticize?”
Fuck. All. That.
I have done all the reading, logged hundreds of hours of formal leadership training, been on hiring teams for >60 roles, managed hiring for >20 software engineers, and I’ve spent years putting my expectations in writing for my peers & employees to critique. I know how to deliver withering criticism skillfully, and exactly what is worth criticizing.
So… where’s the gap? I am deeply careful about prioritizing what’s worth addressing, when to address it, and how to deliver it.
But… why? Building up self-critical people who care deeply is 10x harder than tearing them down, and it’s 100x as effective.
So, let’s break it down:
- If you do not consistently explain what they are doing great AND why you think so, your corrections are meaningless and soul crushing.
- If you truly believe they are doing more wrong than right, you’re the fool for employing them.
- If you save candid criticism for an annual review instead of delivering it effectively so it can be corrected BEFORE the review, you’re a bad leader.
- If you abdicate the work of making every piece of criticism grounded in examples & suggested next steps, you are lazy.
- If you have not built the trust & structure for them to challenge your evaluation, you’re a bully.
Learn to trust people, then find the confidence & resolve to try again after you get burned. Then, do it again. And again. When you are finally so emotionally exhausted you’d rather cry… you fucking do it again anyway.
I am not saying to trust uncritically. I am saying it is never acceptable to use your fear, pain, and exhaustion as an excuse to avoid that work. That is to fail as a leader.
The most important friction to embrace is the battle within. The friction on your team is merely its reflection.